I've been married now for over two years. In all honesty I will admit that marriage is amazing, wonderful and definitely exciting. I will also add (in all honesty) that marriage requires a person do some things our current culture does not support. In fact, things like self sacrifice, delayed gratification, taking the wrong for the right, giving up your individual right for the good of the whole, are characteristics our culture considers weak, non-progressive, and -God forbid - downright religious!
However, they are necessary for the success and longevity of the relationship. Here's a news flash, marriage is an institution that the Almighty God created, established and He provides guidelines and boundaries for its preservation. For all the folks who thought that this unique, EXCLUSIVE relationship was man made out of our 'great' imaginations, I'm very sorry to surprise you. The relationship between one man and one woman, openly declared before God and the community, until separated by death, is the highest form of intimacy (mental, social, emotional and physical) mankind will ever experience. It supersedes the relationship you have with your dog, with your children, with your live in boyfriend (common law is a shady term if you ask me) and even the relationship you have with your lawyer!
So there are many groups, political and otherwise that would seek to dismantle all the pieces that God has ordained should be part and parcel of the marriage covenant. Ok, go ahead, keep dismantling it and lets see what happens 3 or 4 generations from now. I'm telling you, there's only one instruction manual of how to put it together, how it works, how to fix it if its broken; but let the ever wise fallible race of mankind try and put it back together without consulting the manual. This will result in a really big HOT MESS!
However, they are necessary for the success and longevity of the relationship. Here's a news flash, marriage is an institution that the Almighty God created, established and He provides guidelines and boundaries for its preservation. For all the folks who thought that this unique, EXCLUSIVE relationship was man made out of our 'great' imaginations, I'm very sorry to surprise you. The relationship between one man and one woman, openly declared before God and the community, until separated by death, is the highest form of intimacy (mental, social, emotional and physical) mankind will ever experience. It supersedes the relationship you have with your dog, with your children, with your live in boyfriend (common law is a shady term if you ask me) and even the relationship you have with your lawyer!
So there are many groups, political and otherwise that would seek to dismantle all the pieces that God has ordained should be part and parcel of the marriage covenant. Ok, go ahead, keep dismantling it and lets see what happens 3 or 4 generations from now. I'm telling you, there's only one instruction manual of how to put it together, how it works, how to fix it if its broken; but let the ever wise fallible race of mankind try and put it back together without consulting the manual. This will result in a really big HOT MESS!
That was my foundation. So let's get to what is giving me that 'spider in my pants' feeling. Remember, this is a blog. So if you don't like what I have to say, you can just stop reading. Don't start cussing and getting offended, just walk away and when you see me - smile. Take comfort in the fact that I'm just as opinionated, stubborn and disgusted with the things I see as you are.
So let's talk about long term relationships that start when youths are in their teens or early 20's and continues on and on and on. They are not appropriate, good for you or safe. Settle down now, I have some reasons why this is.
1) The male-female attraction that God put in us, is supposed to eventually draw us to a mate or lifelong partner. This person should become a suitable companion with mutual goals and values, and the two should get married and work together to build a family that supports the structure of society. In case you didn't know, the family is the cornerstone of our community. Now, is someone in their teens prepared for this type of commitment and relationship - NO! Their brains and bodies are not even finished developing. They have immature decision making skills and they certainly they do not have the capacity to manage the responsibilities this entails. The same goes for most youth in their early 20's. Hence why teen pregnancy is not healthy, or socially acceptable because raising a child is a big responsibility that requires more than one committed person, money and other resources. We will talk about the 'glorified' single mother in another blog. So why start something you can't reasonably finish.
So let's talk about long term relationships that start when youths are in their teens or early 20's and continues on and on and on. They are not appropriate, good for you or safe. Settle down now, I have some reasons why this is.
1) The male-female attraction that God put in us, is supposed to eventually draw us to a mate or lifelong partner. This person should become a suitable companion with mutual goals and values, and the two should get married and work together to build a family that supports the structure of society. In case you didn't know, the family is the cornerstone of our community. Now, is someone in their teens prepared for this type of commitment and relationship - NO! Their brains and bodies are not even finished developing. They have immature decision making skills and they certainly they do not have the capacity to manage the responsibilities this entails. The same goes for most youth in their early 20's. Hence why teen pregnancy is not healthy, or socially acceptable because raising a child is a big responsibility that requires more than one committed person, money and other resources. We will talk about the 'glorified' single mother in another blog. So why start something you can't reasonably finish.
2) The second reason I'm not a fan of these prolonged relationships is because people end up doing what I call 'PLAYING HOUSE'. Ladies, remember when we used to wrap up our dolls and feed them. Then we would pretend to take our plastic children to school in our miniature stroller? Well it's the same thing. Couples start playing these pseudo husband and wife roles but completely out of context. They go everywhere together, they form a mental/emotional bond, they buy each other things and even get physical with each other. STOP PLAYING HOUSE! You're not married so why are you trying to act like you are. Often, theses relationships LACK the boundaries necessary to maintain a good marriage. What is missing is the unconditional commitment that is at the centre of the husband and wife relationsip.
It is these types of PLAY relationships that devalue marriage, and give people a false sense of what true unconditional love is. Why do you think the stats say that those who live together before getting married are more likely to divorce after marriage compared to those who didn't shack up before? Now that's plain old stats, so don't start huffing and puffing and trying to blow my house down.
3) Further, love and commitment in marriage is a choice. Often people base their relationships on feelings, which are highly subjective and fleeting. Why does a man who's been sleeping with a girl for six years, unmarried, suddenly find someone else more attractive and drop their partner just because they 'don't feel like they are in love with them anymore?'! Pure hogwash. In these long term relationships, anyone can get up and leave without any consequence because they never committed or promised otherwise. The emotional and psychological damage done after an incident like that is not simple. In marriage, if your husband loses a limb at work, he can come home to a wife who is committed to love him regardless of physical handicap. In marriage when there's not enough money in the bank, a man will work 2 and 3 jobs to provide for his family, instead of telling his wife 'you have your money, find a way to pay for it'. You choose to love even when the conditions don't encourage it.
4) Have you ever had a stubborn weed that keeps springing up, even after cutting or spraying it? Well in long term relationships where a marital solution is not 'on the horizon', people develop WEED HABITS, that are hard to break when you do get married. Now WEED HABITS thrive when two people are emotionally and socially intimate in marital ways before they are married. First the couple is together because they have a mutual attraction, and some superficial commonalities. So they start hanging out together and in the 'get to know you stage' things seem good. Then they get to the 'I like you, you like me, let's be together' stage. This stage continues indefinitely. Then the couple stays together because they are comfortable with each other, and they are 'used to' being with other. However, because marriage is not a serious consideration for the near future, there's no EVALUATION of the other person to determine if they are suitable for marital commitment. This EVALUATION is absolutely necessary because marriage is horrible when the two people involved are not suitable for each other. I'm not talking about looks, I'm talking about evaluating whether this man is capable of sacrificing himself for his family. Or would he rather play video games all day and not earn a living? Can this woman make a rational decision regardless of her feelings, or is she miserable ALL THE TIME and cares for no one but herself. Does this man do what is right, even when it inconveniences him? Is she honest, or does she hide and manipulate people? Is he responsible enough to pay his bills or is he spending his pay check to impress other people. This is what I mean by EVALUATION. When marriage is not in sight, individuals may see these negative attitudes and behaviors in their partner, but disregard and ignore them, because when you're PLAYING HOUSE you can let these things slide with little consequence.
In the undefined relationship, these unacceptable habits flourish and there is no conscious consideration that WEED HABITS can compromise a marriage. For example, a lie or deception in marriage destroys trust and introduces suspicion. Over time, that will kill a relationship. Or a man who is lazy and doesn't want to work, even when it's not in his field, is going to lose all respect and reverence from his wife. When there's an EVALUATION, there is ACCOUNTABILITY. Accountability to the relationship for our behaviours and attitudes. If you're dating a woman who blows all her money on clothes, the man should conclude that that is a WEED HABIT that will mash up a relationship. What happens when the mortgage money is spent on a shopping trip to buffalo? (I can hear someone yelling WATCH OUT!) Follow me. The man should make a decision, either confront her about that habit and see if it changes or stop being involved with her. But if you're PLAYING HOUSE then you don't have to say much, because you probably still have your money and she has hers. This is not a problem until you get married and responsibilities are shared.
Here's another WEED HABIT I've seen, lack of respect. The other day I watched this loud mouth brawling woman tell off her husband in the supermarket line. For decency's sake, why would you disrespect your man in public like that? I almost had words for her. I was going to tell her, when he finds a girl who will talk to him properly, love him and cook him some good food, he's GONE! Calm down and learn some manners woman!
How couples speak to each other says more than you think. A man who asks his wife to do something for him and tacks on 'please babe' at the end of the request is going to be more happy than the one who barks and demands. The girl who understands that the world doesn't revolve around her and that her man had a rough day will not snap back if he gets snarky once in a while. Grace and patience are the hall marks of a good relationship. So if you're playing house and you like to 'wheel off' and say things you know an apology won't cover, you're headed for trouble.
On another note, I will not start talking about the man who spends time flirting with other women and staying up all night on the phone with other women while in a relationship. Consider, if her best friend is a man, and you want to marry her, better find out what that 'best friend' relationship is really about. Once the ring goes on, chop that off at the root! Emotional affairs are easier to fall into than physical affairs.
Now, when you EVALUATE consider that no one is perfect and consider the things which are most impactful in a relationship. If he can't stand reason, and you can't admit when you're wrong - BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP! That is not good. You need to know reasonably and realistically what is good for you and what you want in a spouse. If you find that there are too many things failing the evaluation, let the relationship go and stop tying people up. I think if he dates her for 6 years and then dumps her, he's an inconsiderate, indecisive dim whit who is scared to be alone. But, maybe a better looking girl came by and decided to keep his sorry behind. And if she's tugging and pulling at you like you're the best thing since squeezable cheese, do you think she might be a tad bit clingy and absurdly dependent on you? There is love and then there's co-dependence. But if you're ego needs it, then maybe you should wait until your ego grows up.
How couples speak to each other says more than you think. A man who asks his wife to do something for him and tacks on 'please babe' at the end of the request is going to be more happy than the one who barks and demands. The girl who understands that the world doesn't revolve around her and that her man had a rough day will not snap back if he gets snarky once in a while. Grace and patience are the hall marks of a good relationship. So if you're playing house and you like to 'wheel off' and say things you know an apology won't cover, you're headed for trouble.
On another note, I will not start talking about the man who spends time flirting with other women and staying up all night on the phone with other women while in a relationship. Consider, if her best friend is a man, and you want to marry her, better find out what that 'best friend' relationship is really about. Once the ring goes on, chop that off at the root! Emotional affairs are easier to fall into than physical affairs.
Now, when you EVALUATE consider that no one is perfect and consider the things which are most impactful in a relationship. If he can't stand reason, and you can't admit when you're wrong - BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP! That is not good. You need to know reasonably and realistically what is good for you and what you want in a spouse. If you find that there are too many things failing the evaluation, let the relationship go and stop tying people up. I think if he dates her for 6 years and then dumps her, he's an inconsiderate, indecisive dim whit who is scared to be alone. But, maybe a better looking girl came by and decided to keep his sorry behind. And if she's tugging and pulling at you like you're the best thing since squeezable cheese, do you think she might be a tad bit clingy and absurdly dependent on you? There is love and then there's co-dependence. But if you're ego needs it, then maybe you should wait until your ego grows up.
Since WEED HABITS don't change very easily, don't think they will go away once you say 'I do'. What it really means is 'I do want to get involved in a marriage that will be very difficult at best and loveless, cold and hurtful at its worst'.
So get to know the person, without playing house and supporting those weed habits. If your goal is a stable fulfilling marriage, do it God's way. Now there is SO much more I could say, but you probably wouldn't read it. So I'll stop my rant and come back with something even more controversial later. Oh and I forgot to mention, parents get really upset when their kids are deeply involved and then it mashes up. It is possible to like someone, get to know them and make a positive decision about whether or not you can build a life together, without giving your heart away and exposing all of your business.
So get to know the person, without playing house and supporting those weed habits. If your goal is a stable fulfilling marriage, do it God's way. Now there is SO much more I could say, but you probably wouldn't read it. So I'll stop my rant and come back with something even more controversial later. Oh and I forgot to mention, parents get really upset when their kids are deeply involved and then it mashes up. It is possible to like someone, get to know them and make a positive decision about whether or not you can build a life together, without giving your heart away and exposing all of your business.
Cheers,
T
