Marriage and the Long Term Pre-Marriage Relationship

I've been married now for over two years. In all honesty I will admit that marriage is amazing, wonderful and definitely exciting. I will also add (in all honesty) that marriage requires a person do some things our current culture does not support. In fact, things like self sacrifice, delayed gratification, taking the wrong for the right, giving up your individual right for the good of the whole, are characteristics our culture considers weak, non-progressive, and -God forbid - downright religious!

However, they are necessary for the success and longevity of the relationship. Here's a news flash, marriage is an institution that the Almighty God created, established and He provides guidelines and boundaries for its preservation. For all the folks who thought that this unique, EXCLUSIVE relationship was man made out of our 'great' imaginations, I'm very sorry to surprise you. The relationship between one man and one woman, openly declared before God and the community, until separated by death, is the highest form of intimacy (mental, social, emotional and physical) mankind will ever experience. It supersedes the relationship you have with your dog, with your children, with your live in boyfriend (common law is a shady term if you ask me) and even the relationship you have with your lawyer!

So there are many groups, political and otherwise that would seek to dismantle all the pieces that God has ordained should be part and parcel of the marriage covenant. Ok, go ahead, keep dismantling it and lets see what happens 3 or 4 generations from now. I'm telling you, there's only one instruction manual of how to put it together, how it works, how to fix it if its broken; but let the ever wise fallible race of mankind try and put it back together without consulting the manual. This will result in a really big HOT MESS!

That was my foundation. So let's get to what is giving me that 'spider in my pants' feeling. Remember, this is a blog. So if you don't like what I have to say, you can just stop reading. Don't start cussing and getting offended, just walk away and when you see me - smile. Take comfort in the fact that I'm just as opinionated, stubborn and disgusted with the things I see as you are.

So let's talk about long term relationships that start when youths are in their teens or early 20's and continues on and on and on. They are not appropriate, good for you or safe. Settle down now, I have some reasons why this is.

1) The male-female attraction that God put in us, is supposed to eventually draw us to a mate or lifelong partner. This person should become a suitable companion with mutual goals and values, and the two should get married and work together to build a family that supports the structure of society. In case you didn't know, the family is the cornerstone of our community. Now, is someone in their teens prepared for this type of commitment and relationship - NO! Their brains and bodies are not even finished developing. They have immature decision making skills and they certainly they do not have the capacity to manage the responsibilities this entails. The same goes for most youth in their early 20's. Hence why teen pregnancy is not healthy, or socially acceptable because raising a child is a big responsibility that requires more than one committed person, money and other resources. We will talk about the 'glorified' single mother in another blog. So why start something you can't reasonably finish.

2) The second reason I'm not a fan of these prolonged relationships is because people end up doing what I call 'PLAYING HOUSE'. Ladies, remember when we used to wrap up our dolls and feed them. Then we would pretend to take our plastic children to school in our miniature stroller? Well it's the same thing. Couples start playing these pseudo husband and wife roles but completely out of context. They go everywhere together, they form a mental/emotional bond, they buy each other things and even get physical with each other. STOP PLAYING HOUSE! You're not married so why are you trying to act like you are. Often, theses relationships LACK the boundaries necessary to maintain a good marriage. What is missing is the unconditional commitment that is at the centre of the husband and wife relationsip.

It is these types of PLAY relationships that devalue marriage, and give people a false sense of what true unconditional love is. Why do you think the stats say that those who live together before getting married are more likely to divorce after marriage compared to those who didn't shack up before? Now that's plain old stats, so don't start huffing and puffing and trying to blow my house down.

3) Further, love and commitment in marriage is a choice. Often people base their relationships on feelings, which are highly subjective and fleeting. Why does a man who's been sleeping with a girl for six years, unmarried, suddenly find someone else more attractive and drop their partner just because they 'don't feel like they are in love with them anymore?'! Pure hogwash. In these long term relationships, anyone can get up and leave without any consequence because they never committed or promised otherwise. The emotional and psychological damage done after an incident like that is not simple. In marriage, if your husband loses a limb at work, he can come home to a wife who is committed to love him regardless of physical handicap. In marriage when there's not enough money in the bank, a man will work 2 and 3 jobs to provide for his family, instead of telling his wife 'you have your money, find a way to pay for it'. You choose to love even when the conditions don't encourage it.

4) Have you ever had a stubborn weed that keeps springing up, even after cutting or spraying it? Well in long term relationships where a marital solution is not 'on the horizon', people develop WEED HABITS, that are hard to break when you do get married. Now WEED HABITS thrive when two people are emotionally and socially intimate in marital ways before they are married. First the couple is together because they have a mutual attraction, and some superficial commonalities. So they start hanging out together and in the 'get to know you stage' things seem good. Then they get to the 'I like you, you like me, let's be together' stage. This stage continues indefinitely. Then the couple stays together because they are comfortable with each other, and they are 'used to' being with other. However, because marriage is not a serious consideration for the near future, there's no EVALUATION of the other person to determine if they are suitable for marital commitment. This EVALUATION is absolutely necessary because marriage is horrible when the two people involved are not suitable for each other. I'm not talking about looks, I'm talking about evaluating whether this man is capable of sacrificing himself for his family. Or would he rather play video games all day and not earn a living? Can this woman make a rational decision regardless of her feelings, or is she miserable ALL THE TIME and cares for no one but herself. Does this man do what is right, even when it inconveniences him? Is she honest, or does she hide and manipulate people? Is he responsible enough to pay his bills or is he spending his pay check to impress other people. This is what I mean by EVALUATION. When marriage is not in sight, individuals may see these negative attitudes and behaviors in their partner, but disregard and ignore them, because when you're PLAYING HOUSE you can let these things slide with little consequence.

In the undefined relationship, these unacceptable habits flourish and there is no conscious consideration that WEED HABITS can compromise a marriage. For example, a lie or deception in marriage destroys trust and introduces suspicion. Over time, that will kill a relationship. Or a man who is lazy and doesn't want to work, even when it's not in his field, is going to lose all respect and reverence from his wife. When there's an EVALUATION, there is ACCOUNTABILITY. Accountability to the relationship for our behaviours and attitudes. If you're dating a woman who blows all her money on clothes, the man should conclude that that is a WEED HABIT that will mash up a relationship. What happens when the mortgage money is spent on a shopping trip to buffalo? (I can hear someone yelling WATCH OUT!) Follow me. The man should make a decision, either confront her about that habit and see if it changes or stop being involved with her. But if you're PLAYING HOUSE then you don't have to say much, because you probably still have your money and she has hers. This is not a problem until you get married and responsibilities are shared.

Here's another WEED HABIT I've seen, lack of respect. The other day I watched this loud mouth brawling woman tell off her husband in the supermarket line. For decency's sake, why would you disrespect your man in public like that? I almost had words for her. I was going to tell her, when he finds a girl who will talk to him properly, love him and cook him some good food, he's GONE! Calm down and learn some manners woman!

How couples speak to each other says more than you think. A man who asks his wife to do something for him and tacks on 'please babe' at the end of the request is going to be more happy than the one who barks and demands. The girl who understands that the world doesn't revolve around her and that her man had a rough day will not snap back if he gets snarky once in a while. Grace and patience are the hall marks of a good relationship. So if you're playing house and you like to 'wheel off' and say things you know an apology won't cover, you're headed for trouble.
On another note, I will not start talking about the man who spends time flirting with other women and staying up all night on the phone with other women while in a relationship. Consider, if her best friend is a man, and you want to marry her, better find out what that 'best friend' relationship is really about. Once the ring goes on, chop that off at the root! Emotional affairs are easier to fall into than physical affairs.

Now, when you EVALUATE consider that no one is perfect and consider the things which are most impactful in a relationship. If he can't stand reason, and you can't admit when you're wrong - BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP! That is not good. You need to know reasonably and realistically what is good for you and what you want in a spouse. If you find that there are too many things failing the evaluation, let the relationship go and stop tying people up. I think if he dates her for 6 years and then dumps her, he's an inconsiderate, indecisive dim whit who is scared to be alone. But, maybe a better looking girl came by and decided to keep his sorry behind. And if she's tugging and pulling at you like you're the best thing since squeezable cheese, do you think she might be a tad bit clingy and absurdly dependent on you? There is love and then there's co-dependence. But if you're ego needs it, then maybe you should wait until your ego grows up.

Since WEED HABITS don't change very easily, don't think they will go away once you say 'I do'. What it really means is 'I do want to get involved in a marriage that will be very difficult at best and loveless, cold and hurtful at its worst'.

So get to know the person, without playing house and supporting those weed habits. If your goal is a stable fulfilling marriage, do it God's way. Now there is SO much more I could say, but you probably wouldn't read it. So I'll stop my rant and come back with something even more controversial later. Oh and I forgot to mention, parents get really upset when their kids are deeply involved and then it mashes up. It is possible to like someone, get to know them and make a positive decision about whether or not you can build a life together, without giving your heart away and exposing all of your business.

Cheers,

T

A Father Who Can

It was a beautiful summer day, I think I was going into grade eight the coming school year. My dad bought me this red mountain bike, which was really cool because back then everyone had speed bikes. Only the sporty kids were smart enough to have a real mountain bike. My friend Leanda and I decided to ride our bikes to the new community centre library. It didn't occur to me until just now that I should have brought my nap-sak, the army green one with the leather strap buckles!

After signing out a few hard cover novels, we decided to cut across the school drive way which had these huge speed bumps. I managed to wedge the books under my right hand between my palm and the handle bars but couldn't really reach the brake handle. As I rode towards this hug speed bump I reach for the brakes, but could not apply enough pressure to slow down and gently roll over the speed bump. Instead, my front tire slammed into the speed bump like a brick wall and I went flying over the handle bars landing on my elbows and knees. The books went one way and I went the other. Being utterly embarrassed I got up and brushed myself off looking around to see who might have witnessed my sad calamity. Upon examination of the bike, we noticed that the front axle was twisted so bad that the front tire wouldn't turn. We had to prop the front tire up onto Leanda's bike and tow it home. Once home, I promptly hid the bike in the garage fearing some sort of punishment for 'mashing up de brand new bike'.

Three weeks passed and finally my dad mentioned something about not having seen me riding my new bike in a long time. By then, I knew I should confess my sins and suffer the consequences. In hind sight, I have a feeling that he had already seen the bike (since he was in the garage every day) and was waiting for me to come to him.

So I hesitantly showed him the bike. I approached him practically dragging the bike because the front wheel was stuck. I assumed the look on his face meant that I should expect the worst. Having nothing to lose, I plunged into my explanation of what happened preparing the tears to soften whatever punishment I would get. However, after my explanation he didn't say anything but grabbed a 2" x 2" piece of wood from the garage, slid it diagonally between the axles and gave it a good yank while holding the handle bars straight. That straightened the axle pretty good. After he put the wheel back on the bike was 'rideable' although you couldn't hold the handle bars exactly straight. To go straight you needed to turn the handle bars just a few degrees to the left, but who cares, I could ride the bike again and I wasn't in trouble at all. He was just waiting for me to ask him to fix it.

Way before this incident I knew my dad could fix anything, and I still believe my dad can fix anything.

And if he can and is willing, how much more our Heavenly Father? He sees and knows our moments of fear, our screw ups and accidents, but yet He doesn't punish us. In Psalms 103, we read that God does not punish us according to our iniquities, His mercy is as great as height of the heavens above earth to those who fear Him. And He can fix anything. He's just waiting for us to ask with childlike faith because He can and is willing to work on our behalf.

Speak the Truth

I've come to the conclusion that this world is void of truth. In this case, the world includes parents, business persons, politicians, governments, friends and individuals. It seems we've mastered the art of lying and don't feel the least bit guilty about it. Lying is safe because it ignores the truth which might be hurtful or offensive. Lying is common, because parents teach their children from a very young age that it's ok. Lying is accepted and almost expected in some areas probably because of the latter. Person's who speak the truth are often isolated and punished because of their honesty

Lying has become an epidemic of the worst proportions. Unlike H1N1, there is no vaccine that would inoculate us from this evil device. Unlike Avian Flu or Ebola, we cannot blame wild animals as the originator of this disease and claim that the virus of lying mutated and adapted to human biology and was transferred between species. Just take a look at your dog. Dogs don't lie! They will bark and bait you out in a minute. It's not because they are not smart, but because they have no moral centre that would cause them to reason how they might benefit from lying (ruff!). However, humans do have a moral centre to reason and make the choice to tell the truth, hide the truth or lie.

I can vividly recall working in customer service and seeing how consumers lie about minor things. I told a customer that she could not purchase so many items because the store had imposed a quantity limit to ensure that there was enough merchandise for the whole community. Not only did this customer lie to me, she encouraged her son to lie also. At the end of the discussion I promptly replied "When your child breaks into my house to steal things that are not his and he goes to jail; do not say a word. You taught him this behaviour".

Lying is just the beginning. When we are dishonest for our own personal gain we will often do whatever it takes to have and do what we want without regard for the consequences. If we can lie to have our own way, we display the utmost disregard for our fellowman. Therefore, it's not a difficult jump from lying to stealing. Both of these devices are used for selfish gain.

It is common for students to cheat on exams, lie on their resumes (and in interviews). But the worst is to have a friend who cannot sit you down and provide the honest truth about your actions, no matter how damnable that truth may be. There is zero accountability and often people suffer and live in miserable conditions because of a truth that was not spoken (lying by omission) or a deceitful story that was disseminated to blind others.

Lying hurts. I recall a student who cheated on everyone of his 5th year high school chemistry exams. He never put the time in to study, never did his own assignments and earned a grade that was not reflective of his true capacity. This man was a fraud. If he continued this behaviour throughout his academic life, he may be the one putting lives at risk in his professional discipline.

Regardless of religion, personal belief or cultural influence, there must be someone who will stand for the truth. If you have a friend that needs a good dose of reality, tell them. Risk the relationship. It would be better to tell them they've had too many boyfriends and they need to deal with the issue that makes them so promiscuous than to be a comfort by their bedside when they are dying of AIDS. It's better to tell your children to pay for the candy before they eat it in the store, instead of visiting them in jail for theft or murder. It's better to tell your family member they need to stop disrespecting your spouse before your marriage is divided by their fire filled tongue. It's better to tell your boyfriend that he has to fix that temper before you marry him rather than end up in shelter because your husband beat the crap out of you and left you for dead. It's better to leave that credit alone and do without until you have the money to appropriately allocate to that want, than to file for bankruptcy and lose your house.
It always better to tell the TRUTH!
BARK!

Chicken Stir Fry

I visited an old friend the other day and she served the nicest non-traditional dinner. I commented on how eclectic her creation was and she suggested I try some recipes to assimilate a new repertoire of cooking strategies. At this point she whipped out four new cook books, that still smelled like the printing press with sales tags hanging off the binding.

I wasn't sure which book I should take, so in true bold friend fashion, she chose two books and shoved them into my face. Here begins the drama that almost made me cry, but in the end made me a better person, even if I'm not a better cook.

Last night I went grocery shopping and decided to pick up all the items I needed for one of the 30 Minute Recipes from my new cook book. I was aiming to reproduce the chicken stir fry recipe on page 34, however, there were a few glitches.

The store only had bone in chicken thighs, but the recipe called for stir fry strips. I was too cheap to buy breasts and completely forgot about the dark meat vs white meat cooking time thing. The recipe said to shred the ginger, garlic and spring onions and then saute them in a wok on high heat. I don't have a wok, so I use the sauce pan from my huge pot set which I know will burn the bejeebers out of anything on high heat, so I put the stove on 4. I thought I had a bunch of spring onions, but only found a few dying sprigs, so I substituted some cooking onions which have ZERO flavour. (I need to blame someone else for the fact that the spring onions were gone. I refuse to take responsibility for goofing this part of the recipe.)

The recipe then says to add the chicken which I decided needed some `seasoning up` before cooking. At this point the idea of adding curry exploded in my brain and I got carried away. Well, the curry I have must be some fool`s concoction because it started to clump all over the chicken in the pot, at which point I started freaking because this would have turned out fine if I had a dutchie. Any how, the oil dried out and the chicken stuck to the pot so I added some water and decided to chuck the cookbook and simmer down the `curry chicken`.

About a half of an hour later, the chicken looked as yellow as Big Bird and the gravy tasted very bitter. Mind you, I`ve cooked curry chicken before with no problem. I added some carrots to counter the bitter taste and made an SOS call to my oldest sister. While talking to her I added some ketchup and a spoon of sugar. I was desperate and I could see that everyone else in the house was dying of hunger as I worked my magic in the kitchen.

The SOS call was also a disaster. My sister berated me for adding the ketchup and told me to hide it somewhere where I would forget it and add some garlic instead. In went the garlic and it disappeared into the blazing glory of yellow curry slop that I swear would stain the pan. I needed a plan B very quickly. Luckily I had some pork chops already seasoned (without curry) in the fridge, so I shoved them into the oven and they cooked quickly.

Back to the chicken. I yelled at it some more and put it aside, dashing bleach everywhere before the color of my kitchen changed to match that unknown incessant aroma that streams through the condo hallway at 1:30 in the afternoon. I formally gave up on the chicken and left it on the stove. I even gave the pot one good 'cut eye' as I left the kitchen and hissed my teeth.

That evening, after I fed everyone else and the pork was finished, I was starving and decided to taste the chicken. My ego was still bruised from not being able to lick a simple recipe from the cook book. As I expected, the chicken was pretty good! Only the gravy was bitter. So my culinary expertise told me to remove the chicken from the yellow goo and put it in another pan with some bar-b-que sauce and hammer it under the broiler for 5 minutes and WHALA! We have dinner for another day!

The next time I decide to use a recipe I will remember the following rules:
1) Only substitute ingredients when your oldest sister cooking with you.
2) If the recipe does not mention 'seasoning up' the meat, ignore your island instinct and stick to the recipe.
3) Make sure you have a dutchie. This type of pot is useful for cooking everything and cannot be stained by curry.

Smile